Dedicated Followers of Passion

Well, it’s been a turbulent few weeks.  I seem to have been emitting something attracting men from every corner they reside in.  Adding to the freakyness, is the fact that in one way or another, their names begin with a D.  Be it their first name or their nickname.  In the last 4 weeks, I’ve run into an ex from almost 18 years ago.  We’ve spent 3 consecutive weekends together including Christmas day evening.  Also forced by the fact that the weekend after our first encounter, resulting in us spending 2 nights together, I had to see him the following Saturday to give him back the key to his and his dad’s flat.  That second weekend, I assumed that the basis of him coming to meet me was to pick up this key.  I had spent the day with 19 girlfriends for a Christmas lunch out, and the rest of the day in a bar.  He came to meet me there, and I cynically assumed it was mostly to return his key to him.  Whilst I was in the toilet, one of my close friends had been talking to him.  I knew the main topic would be based on me.  It was.  When I was in the ladies toilet, washing my hands, she came in saying that she might have freaked him out a bit by mentioning that I was in a vulnerable place.  She meant it in a protective and supportive way.  It was received in a way that was naturally taken as me not being able to cope with being messed around.

I rushed upstairs to find him, only to discover he and his bag had gone.  I texted him hurriedly, saying I hoped he was prepared to hear my reasoning for her claims about me, before rushing into a decision that I wasn’t able to cope with seeing an ex and it would emotionally fuck me up.  I rushed outside, to find him sitting on one of the tables waiting for me.  I jumped to the conclusion that he wasn’t prepared to hear me out, and he was completely freaked out by the whole situation.  As we headed towards mine, we prematurely discussed our predicament.  We had only run into each other the weekend before for the first time in 15 years.  It was a fantastic weekend together.  It was great to rediscover each other.  By no means was it necessary to have this talk so early.  Naturally, this conversation was going to benefit me, by way of making things clearer as to where I stood.  

I was kind of taken aback by our first encounter, how it had affected me.  I didn’t expect it to stir up feelings for him.  The last time we’d seen each other was about 15 years previously.  It was an accidental meeting at Victoria station, London.  We ended up going in to Soho for dim sum, then to the cinema, then I stayed overnight.  Embarrassingly, his flatmate (I didn’t know there was one), left for work in the morning not knowing I was there and locked me in the flat.  I didn’t know how to deal with this situation, I was 22 and a very shy girl.  I decided to get back in to bed and feign I’d been sleeping all day and hadn’t realised the time when he got back from work.  So I stayed a second night.

On the first encounter this time around, he stayed over at mine, then he took me out for dim sum!  We decided to go back to his flat (he and his dad shared a flat for when they were in town), watch films, eat ice-cream and spend the night together.  I had to have his key so I could lock up after I left in the morning as he had to get up ridiculously early to head back to London. 

The following weekend I had a Christmas lunch do with the girls, and arranged to meet up that evening so I could give him the key back.  As you can imagine, my friends and I had all been drinking for about 8 hours or so by the time he arrived.  I introduced him to a couple of friends, and while I went off to the toilet, one of my closest friends started talking to him.  As I was about to leave the toilets, she came in saying I should probably go and talk to him as she might have freaked him out a bit.  She’d told him I was quite a vulnerable person, all meant with kindness in mind.  I rushed upstairs to find he and his bag had gone.  I began texting him, whilst grabbing my bags and coat, and ran outside.  He was sitting out the front of the bar getting some air, while I moved towards him of running away without talking to me first.  It turned out that as I had texted him asking him to wait for me, he’d texted me at exactly the same time telling me he was outside.  We headed back to mine talking the situation over, a premature conversation that really shouldn’t have been so necessary at this point of whatever was going on between us.

We ended up spending 3 weekends together, and I hate to say it, but I’m starting to have feelings for him.  I don’t know how to go about it without seeming heavy.  At the end of the day, I should just jump in and if he doesn’t feel the same at least I’ll know.  But on the other hand, I could take it slow and hope it develops naturally.

I went to the airport to meet German guy on Boxing Day.  I felt a bit strange throughout the 4 - 5 days I had with him.  Throughout the week I still had a great time with him, but my feelings definitely aren’t as strong as before.  We had a few interesting conversations in his time here.  I thought that this time I’d know more about what we might or might not be.  I do.  He has such a cynical outlook about relationships and not only that, about charity and other things too.  His views are so different to mine, and that could be a good thing on the having my own views on life, but also, it makes me wonder if it’s all worth it.  The next few weeks might make things clearer once I know what is happening with my ex from 18 years ago.

Stood up twice by the same person!  Should I keep bothering really???  Luckily, there were no meeting arrangements made so I’m not looking completely stupid, just feeling it… and upset too.  Casual guy didn’t make it down last Thursday, this time he’d driven down to meet his plumber at his house, but there were problems.  Instead of letting me know he’d driven back to London, I sent him a text saying “Not today then?”, which he replied 15 minutes later saying that he’d just got back to London feeling very grumpy.  Well so am I now!  What the fuck do I make of this?

To top it all off, it’s looking like I’ll be spending Christmas day on my own.  German guy doesn’t arrive until the next evening, so no point in going out with anyone Christmas day, as I’ll only end up getting drunk and then I’ll feel shit for meeting him the next day.  So it’ll be just another day for me… brilliant!  Whatever I’ve done to deserve this, could it have been so bad?  It’s getting too much to take the older I’m getting.  I really am feeling the “clock ticking”, and not just on the baby front.  I need to turn back time, literally.  That’s not too much to ask is it?  I don’t think that’s going to happen though!

Early night I reckon, let’s put this day well in to the past and hopefully, things can only get better.  Don’t sing the song, I’m likely to hit you!

It’s been pretty quiet with the dating malarkey this last couple of weeks.  I still can’t be bothered.  I’ve been so busy in other parts of my life, I haven’t really had much time for it all.

Casual guy and I have still been texting and flirting, and finally, it looks like we’re going to meet up tomorrow afternoon.  Hurrah!  About bloody time.  Needless to say, I hope I fancy him!  

German guy is still coming on Boxing day, 26th to the 30th December.  We’re both looking forward to it, when I get an email from him, I get that funny feeling in my tummy!  I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this because of the distance, and that he always said he didn’t have long term relationships, that he didn’t know how to.  So in a way, this is perfect for him, but not for me.  I’m fretting a bit about Christmas presents, I’ve bought him a couple of little presents, but I don’t know if I should mention it to him.  I don’t want him to feel embarrassed if he hasn’t got me anything.  I’m planning what we’ll do when he’s here, though I really wish he was staying a couple of extra days.

Indie guy stopped communication with me, no idea why.  It just happens that way sometimes, I didn’t feel much going on with him so it doesn’t bother me at all.  I had a snoop at his Facebook profile, the more I saw, the more I didn’t think we were right for each other.  Of course, you never know until you meet but sometimes it’s better to go on instinct.

So… that’s all for now folks.  I’ve been slacking on the blogging front, but as not much has been occurring in dateland.

Well, it’s been over a week since I last logged my dating escapades.  There isn’t a great deal to say really, and I’m not quite feeling it again at the moment.

I met up with Architect guy on my journey back home, through London, from visiting family.  He texted me what he was wearing, and where he was waiting.  As I came out of the station, I eventually spotted him.  He was standing with his body turning away from the direction I was coming from.  Immediately I knew he wasn’t right, he almost looked gay.  I know, how the hell can I tell something like that without seeing his face… well it was partly the way he was dressed, and partly how he stood, it’s difficult to explain.  As he turned to me, I felt I was even more right.

He took me to a great looking bar off the main road, we sat outside as autumn still hadn’t set in properly yet.  We still had great chat, and got on really well, I just knew it wasn’t right.  After a couple of hours, we walked back to the station, said our goodbyes, and went our separate ways.  I grabbed some food and got on my train.

He text me later that night saying he thought I was lovely, I replied saying I’d had a great afternoon with him but that I didn’t feel there was that romantic connection there.  He said he was cool with that and understood.  

Since then, I’ve continued chatting with Indie guy, though that’s tapered off to not getting a response to my last message.  I don’t think I mind too much to be honest, I snooped his Facebook profile and I don’t know if we’d actually get on in reality.  So things are quiet on the dating front again, apart from Casual guy of course!  We still text a fair amount and he says he has a couple of days off next week, so we might actually get to meet.  I know… don’t hold your breath!  Actually, while I was staying at my mum’s the other week, I became ill with a kidney infection.  Casual guy sent me a text with plenty of innuendo.  I replied that a hug would be about all I could handle at that moment.  He called me immediately to compensate for not knowing and was very sweet.  Although, he text after our conversation to say that he was still turned on by talking to me.  He always puts a smile on my face, can’t say it doesn’t help make me feel better!

Regarding Surfer guy, I haven’t heard squat from him since our messages on Facebook… and I thought it was women that were supposed to be fickle!

Architect guy and I have set a date!  He texted me on his way home from a work do last night, and it resulted in arranging to meet on Sunday, when I’m on my way home through London from visiting my family.  He seems so sweet, and said he was really looking forward to Sunday.

Another year older, and it seems, no closer to my goal of finding love.  Still, the hunt isn’t over yet.  I was out for my birthday last Friday, and the night before I’d been round a friend’s for dinner.  A couple of bottles of red wine, and a bottle of Cava later, I left to go home at about midnight.

The next morning I had an awful hangover.  A friend and I went for a manicure, which was fantastic, but I had a bit of a funny turn mid manicure!  So after our nails were done, we decided to hit McDonalds for some comfort food.  We must have looked absolutely ridiculous sitting there daintily eating our chips and trying to work out how we were going to get our chicken sandwich out of it’s box!  Needless to say, we both ended up denting a nail each!

Off I went home to relax and try to recover a little in the hope that I would feel at least slightly better by 6pm at least.  I had a lie down for an hour which seemed to help.  Not for long though.  I got showered and in my birthday outfit (not the birthday suit type!).  All made up and my ex ex turned up, shortly followed by a couple of friends.  We walked to the restaurant where the majority of my friends were already, with helium balloons to boot.  Not long after, the table was complete.  Present time!  I got an amazing red leather satchel and red leather gloves to match, that was from a group of friends.  Then a vintage cupcake stand, a handbag, earrings and a battery operated cake icing set, and a birthday cake to boot.  I was a very happy bunny!  On to the pub after not much of the food was eaten, and was put in to doggy bags for us.

When we got to the pub, I was feeling shockingly shady!  I managed to sort it out by going to the toilet to be sick!  It worked, I knew it would, thank heavens.  Let the drinking commence!

No hangover the next day… amazing!  I slopped around at home for 2 days in my pj’s.  

Last night, I was messaging Architect guy and Indie guy.  It was getting a bit much at one stage, to say the least.  They’re both seeming so nice.  Architect guy had sent me a drunk message at the weekend saying he thought I was ace and then, he thinks I’m nice followed by his mobile number.  Such a sweet message.  We were texting each other a lot last night.  He’s just texted me to say hi tonight too.  I’m hating saying how much I like anyone on dating sites now, as I just want to meet them and see if there’s mutual attraction.  It’s frustrating.  Both of these guys live in London, so it doesn’t make it easy.

Aaaaaaarrrrrgggh!  I had loosely said that I’d see Camera guy tonight, maybe go to the cinema together, after he text me last night and then again today about it.  I had managed to arrange a work meeting tomorrow morning, which meant that if I was out tonight, I would have trouble getting up and to the meeting on time.  So after he texted me again today saying would I like to go round his for a drink, some food and a film.  Yes, it would’ve been lovely to do that but I wasn’t really feeling it romantically.  I replied to his text apologising and that I’d have to cancel tonight due to this meeting I had in the morning.  He called me not long after I’d sent the text, and I felt awkward straight away.  He is making me not want to see him at all.  I know that if I was in to him I’d be fine about it and wouldn’t be getting this stressed.  I explained that an ex was back on the scene and I was a bit confused as old feelings had been stirred up.  We got talking more and for some reason he really antagonises me and winds me up.  I don’t know if it’s intentional, but it automatically makes me defensive.  He went on about was it because he didn’t make a good impression?  The fact that we didn’t have sex?  Did he have a small cock?!  Because he slept more the next day?  

What he fails to see, is that by saying all this, is making him look insecure.  He says it doesn’t at all, but this went on for 45 minutes!  Also, talking about my business meeting too seemed to wind me up.  I was so wound up after as I was trying to put my make up on whilst talking to him because I had to get out of the house and do stuff.  I ended up hitting the mirror and spreading the crack even more.

He visits my profile almost every day, and sometimes more than once a day… is that a bit worrying?

On a positive note, I’m still in conversation with the architect, and I have a new addition to my correspondents.  I’m thinking of printing off each profile I chat to so I can keep track of who the latest conversations are with!  The newbie shall be known as Indie guy, for his love of Indie music.

Possibly one of the biggest things I’ve learnt from online dating, is that it really isn’t a good idea to flirt heavily with a guy before you meet him.  I know I’m not going to take my own advice there, but it is true.  It makes me feel more awkward when I meet them and don’t fancy them.  Not that I flirted majorly with Camera guy, but I’m finding it difficult to let him know how I really feel.  He called me last night and went on about the things that are so crap with him right now.  I even suggested he get some councelling, or at least Rescue Remedy!  It didn’t go down too well, so I had to back it up quickly by saying that it’s not that I thought he was really depressed, but that when things are going bad constantly, it helps to have someone to let off steam to.  He texted me today asking if I’d like to go to the cinema this weekend, I said I might be free at some point this weekend but wasn’t sure, and I wasn’t trying to fob him off with excuses.  He replied saying no worries, and after his performance on our first date and his sleeping, he hadn’t made the greatest impression.  I said that it wasn’t anything to do with that, and that I wasn’t feeling 100% sure about us in the dating way.  He replied saying that it was only one date and not to worry, how could we possibly feel 100% so soon.  Bugger!  I thought that would have been enough to let him know. 

Casual guy wasn’t able to meet up yesterday.  I’m beginning to wonder about this one.  He’s so majorly flirty and sexual in his messages, and then cancels all the time.  Also, I texted him a couple of times and no reply.  No urgency with him as it’s not going to be a proper relationship, I know that, but it’s getting annoying a bit.

Architect guy and I are still messaging daily.  They’re very entertaining messages.  Not a lot I can say about this one at the moment.

Well!  Quite a lot of activity has been occurring!

I’m really not feeling the whole thing with Camera guy.  Since the weekend we’ve still been in contact through texting here and there but it’s mostly been him texting me.  He sent me 4 emails yesterday with comical images of quotes; you know the type, one was a photo of 4 orange pill bottles and below it said “Depression - I got up early, had a cup of coffee, failed to find a way to improve my life, so I took my drugs and went back to bed”.  Another was a picture of a woman smiling and the words “Life is so much more enjoyable now that I’ve decided I just don’t give a fuck”.  The other two were pretty similar.  Some texts have been him saying he woke up and is going to sleep some more.  

It’s all so negative.  I don’t think he has a clue how he comes across.  I have enough problems going on in my life without trying to buck up a boyfriend like that.  Now I don’t know how to go about telling him how I feel.  I can’t text him that kind of thing so I guess it’ll be a phone call!

Since the weekend another guy has been messaging me, Architect guy.  He lives in London and messages have been flying back and forth between us both.  There’s not much else I can say about him at the moment, it’s too early.

Casual guy said he might be in town briefly tomorrow so we might actually get to meet at last.

German guy emailed me yesterday saying that he was going to look into flights to visit me early December.  Bravely, I suggested we spend Christmas together.  He doesn’t have any immediate family so it might be nice to have that to look forward to.  It can’t be nice for him over Christmas.  I don’t know what he usually does.  Anyway, he replied saying he’d love to come here for Christmas.  Yayyy!  I really didn’t expect him to say yes.  I promised to make him an apple pie when he comes.  I don’t know if that means he won’t be able to come in before then, still waiting for a reply.

Tomorrow night I’m going to a gig with my ex ex.  He’s also said he’s up for coming out for my birthday dinner next week.  I didn’t expect that either!  I know… nothing’s going to happen there, but it’s nice seeing him more.  After our chat the other week, knowing he doesn’t want children has made it easier to acknowledge it’s probably not right for us to get back together.

Over and out for today!

PS

German guy has replied with the dates of 26th December to 30th December.  Not exactly Christmas Day but better than nothing I guess.  Would have been great to wake up Christmas morning with someone lovely.

So I met Camera guy last night.  As soon as I saw him I wasn’t particularly attracted to him but I was sure we’d get on never the less.  We found a table in the corner of the pub and started chatting.  He had said he was really nervous and as we talked he kept saying how gorgeous he found me, in fact he paid me many compliments.  I’m not the greatest at receiving compliments, but I tried to take them graciously!  He suggested I was nervous though I wasn’t really, maybe it was because I wasn’t that attracted to him.  We talked pretty openly and it was going well.  He kissed me and it was ok, but to be honest I was starting to feel a bit pissed and kissing wasn’t the greatest thing to be doing then!  Plus I felt a bit awkward kissing in a busy Friday night bar.  I suggested we grabbed a bottle of wine and went back to mine.  Kissing him was ok, I don’t know if that was the alcohol assisting me or not!

Back at mine, we talked some more, kissed some more.  His conversation kept taking a negative turn, kind of putting himself down, and coming across and pretty insecure.  Certain things he said were so pessimistic and it wasn’t making him any more attractive.  We went to bed, we didn’t have sex, kissed a little.  He seemed pretty angry inside, not with me, just in general.  It was becoming quite hard work.  Eventually we fell asleep.  

In the morning I had to get up as I had things to do.  He wouldn’t even kiss in the morning because of morning breath, I don’t think anyone’s ever been so obstinate about that to me.  Most people have morning breath, kissing kind of gets it out of the way usually, but no, he was sticking to his guns.  I let him sleep some more and eventually he got up, and suggested we went out for some food.  I just wanted to get on with my day really.  I had things to do and was feeling pretty tired still.  Excuse after excuse came out and in the end he left.  I don’t know if I want to see him again, taking him home with me last night wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.  It’s strange, he’s very complimentary and sweet, and then ruins it by being so opinionated and grumpy.  He said he wasn’t the happiest of people when he had a hangover, but I’d done my best to help him, I even went to the shop and got him some painkillers.

One of our conversations was about men’s dick size and that he was nearly an inch above average, he’d looked it up online a few years ago.  I had never thought that guys would check out that kind of thing, but it kind of makes sense in a way.  So as he was saying this stuff, he then asked if I thought his was a good size.  I mean, really?  Why would you be so bold as to say you were proud to be slightly above average in size and then double back on the whole conversation, by seeming so insecure about it.  Confusing stuff I can tell ya.

Well, right or wrong, another guy messaged me this evening.  I wasn’t sure whether to reply or not.  I had put him as a favourite (a hidden one I think), a while ago.  He’ll be referred to as Bicycle guy.  Let’s see what occurs with this one.